Troubled Waters

The following is a reflection I wrote tonight. I have not, and will not, give much context to it. But I realised that what I went through tonight could be helpful for other people's walks with Jesus. And so I decided to share this rather more intimate side of myself (...despite the inherent risks of sharing such things :P)

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So.

My time with God tonight.

Was troubled. lol.

Well, my heart has been troubled for all of 2 days. Don't know what about exactly.

And tonight's session of prayer didn't help that much haha.

I went back to the beach, I read the Bible and prayed.

I asked God to show what was wrong in my heart. I begged him to reveal to me why He was so very, very far away. If the Spirit is supposed to be in the Child of God, then why can I rarely ever feel Him within me? What's wrong with me?! Have I done something so wrong that He's rejected me? (I know that answer must be no, but I couldn't figure anything else out). Is it because I am so worthless that even He can't be bothered with me, with all His love and compassion?

For an hour I pondered that emptiness, that hopelessness, the loneliness. It is one thing to be abandoned by man; but quite another to be abandoned by God. I called, and called, and called.

And there was no answer.

I gave up, and then went home.

Had a shower.

Then straight after the shower, I heard my phone receive a message.

And then something "clicked".

He's already there.

It's not that He's ever left; He's always been there.

But do I have the faith to believe that He is there?

Do I believe Him when He says "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you?" (Hebrews 13:5)

(And it is quite ironic because I had just read up to Hebrews 9, just before that great exposition on the whole issue of Faith.)

It is a question that I'm not sure how to answer at the moment. Before I was aware of the question, it was definitely no, I didn't have faith that God would stick by me.

But now that I am aware of the question (and quite aware of the "correct" answer), I'm not so sure haha. I can't jump up and say "I believe!" with all my heart; my heart is still so uncertain. But I also cannot refute the sheer logic of it all. Or that quiet, still Voice within.

So what's next?

I don't know ^^"

Just keep praying I suppose :)