There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love
drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not
reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us. - 1 John
4:18-19
Money is tight.
Ok, I know most of
you wouldn't believe me - "You're a doctor, how can you be struggling
financially?!" - but those of you who are closer to me would understand
what I'm talking about. Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, which I
will not go into, my financial circumstance has become quite tight. I'm pretty much spending 85% of my income just on
paying for a mortgage as well as renting out here in Gundy alone. And I have to
fit everything else into the 15% left.
I used to be pretty
strict in my tithing. I was very keen on "doing things right", and so
I tithed regularly. Internet banking makes it so easy! And so after every
payslip that comes in, I would tithe a
percentage of my gross income.
But the hard times
set in. Bit by bit, I found it more and more difficult to stay consistent with
my previous tithing pattern. As the pressure mounted, I realised I couldn't
tithe as much as I could in the past. So the amount got smaller and smaller,
until sometime last year when I had to cut it out altogether because I was in
such deep financial straits. I was quite frustrated about this; I felt that I
wasn't doing "what I was supposed to".
Eventually though, things eased up. Finally, a few weeks ago, I decided I would try tithing again. I'd try giving 10% of my net, and see how it goes. Now, remember that I was already spending 85% of my money on keeping a roof over my head! So technically it left me with only 5% to live on. Which was probably a bit idealistic and naïve of me. But I had thought I should "step out in faith" and see how it goes. Surely God would look after me, and help me to stay faithful to Him. Surely it wouldn't take so long for me to start seeing more patients and earn more money and finally break the accursed baseline!
And so I did it. For
a few weeks.
Of course, it didn't
go at all to plan :)
The weeks passed, I
still couldn't break the baseline wage barrier. Week by week I was juggling the
cash in my bank account so that I could pay the bills. Whatever could be put on
credit I put on credit, in the hope that somehow, someday, I would be able to
earn enough to pay off that debt...later. But it was like being in a leaking
boat: However much I tried bailing the water out, it just keeps sinking and
sinking, ever so painfully slowly.
And today, I finally
did it: For the first time in my life, my bank account was overdrawn and I was
in the negative.
It was a rather
profound and distressing moment for me, to get that sort of wakeup call. I
hadn't expected it, because I thought I had calculated everything perfectly.
(Apparently not!) It was sobering, and made me face up to the difficult
decisions I had to make next.
Well, I couldn't
drop the mortgage, and I'm bound to this rental place for another 3 months. So
the next biggest thing that I could drop that would make a significant
difference was… my tithe.
It was a huge
struggle for me to decide to drop my tithe. I really did not want to. Isn't it
being unfaithful, not trusting that God would provide? Am I just taking things
into my own hand, and not trusting in God? (Just so happened I was reading
Genesis 12 this morning!) Am I doing the right thing to put a hold on the
tithing? How can I be a faithful Christian and still be financially sound?
But what does it
mean to be faithful?
I pondered that last
question for a long time, and had to have a good look at the motives of my
heart. As I reflected, I realised that deep inside, I was scared that I wasn't
doing "the right thing". I was afraid that if I didn't "trust"
in my God in the "appropriate" way, then that would upset
"someone" (I didn't really know who).
And if I plunged even deeper into my heart, I would find that the root
of the whole issue was Pride: I didn't want to be that
bad; I wanted to be able to "do my part" to be "good and
worthy"; I wanted to be able to
look after my own end of things.
And I came to a
realisation: Being faithful isn't just
about trusting in the "right way" and doing the "right
thing". It's about trusting in the fact that our God is a loving Heavenly Father that eagerly wants the
best for us. It's about having a heart that is so assured of God's love for us
that what you end up doing for God doesn't really
matter because you know that nothing you
can do can make Him love you any more or any less; His love for us is already
over-full and brimming over. It's about knowing that nothing was yours in the
first place - it all belongs to God - and so it doesn't really matter the
objective amount that you're "giving back" to God.
A faithful Christian
does good works out of a grateful heart that knows
how much God has already done for us, and how much He is willing to do for us,
no matter what we do. The faithful
Christian is not concerned about whether he/she is tithing enough or not;
he/she just acts on the basis of the
love that he/she has already
been given. A Christian filled with saving faith does not concern himself with
the question of "Am I doing enough for Christ?"; he is more concerned
with "What does Christ want me to do next?" - The train of
questioning and thought is on an entirely
different set of tracks!
Rather than making a
guilt-driven, pride-based, self-centred decision on "what I should
tithe", I should be turning the tables around and saying, "Ok, God
has given me this situation. I know He loves me. What does He want me to do
with it? What can I do with the situation I've been given so that I can give
Him more glory?"
The differences are
extremely subtle (I'm still trying to wrap my head around it ><); but
also extremely profound.
I thank God that He
would give me this situation, so I can face up to and deal with my heart of
fear. My relationship with Him has always been too fear-driven and legalistic,
rather than filled with the assurance of Covenantal, unbreakable, love. And this
has helped hammer this realisation home just that little bit more.
I suppose I just
have to learn to sit back and enjoy the ride more ;)
It will be fine.
Because my God is oh so fine :)
