- Proverbs 22:6
"Cat 3:
Suicidal Ideation - 32yo male patient BIBP (brought in by police) with desire
to kill himself, asking police to shoot him."
It is interesting
how generally we doctors don't respond to this triage note with "Oh! Let's
go and help him!". Often, it's more of a *rolls eyes*, "Not another
one? Why can't he just go ahead and do
it instead of just 'trying'."
As I went into the
room, I saw a man curled up into the foetal position on the bed in a corner of
a dark room. Two doors were open into this room, the room where we usually put
"Mental Health" patients, because the unpredictability of such patients
can sometimes lead to a need for a quick way out. Out one door, you can see the
security guard, looking obviously bored, emanating this aura that he felt that
he should be somewhere else making better use of his time rather than sitting
there babysitting this "annoying patient".
One of the first
things that you look at when you meet a new person is their eyes. "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eye is good,
your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body
will be fully of darkness. So if the light within you is darkness - how deep is
that darkness!" (Matthew 6:22-23; Not in context, I know, but so
true.) What did I see in his eyes? Weariness; tiredness; despair; fear. And
when I looked more closely: the eyes of a child.
We talked. I tried
to get down to what happened and why. He didn't actually remember anything
about what happened last night, because he had been too drunk. But with just a
little prodding, he started talking. Talking about that deep despair about how
none of his family members really cared for him any more. That he had no one in
the world. That he might as well die. That he lived in fear of who-knows-what
and that he's usually holed up in his room. That he still gets flashbacks of
how his father belted him constantly and severely and how he is still afraid of his father, long after the
actual possibility of a real threat has passed.
Broken. A soul
smashed beyond repair. And some 20-odd years later, this man is still trying to pick up the pieces. Except he
has no hands with which to pick them up with.
There are some
things that no amount of medication, alcohol or drugs can fix.
And it made me pause
in… awe(?) Isn't it amazing how incredible an impact your childhood, that small
period of your life, can have on your entire life? A good childhood can raise
incredible people, but done correctly you can also completely destroy a person
by destroying their childhood. And none of the king's horses or the king's men
could do anything to fix it.
Michael Jackson
(whether you love him or hate him) had an incredibly insightful song into this
issue. I've often wondered whether he's written it about himself, really:
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...
People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates and adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?
People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I've never known...
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had
Have you seen my Childhood?
The wounds sustained
in childhood last a lifetime.
It would do well for
all of us to ponder that fact.
It doesn't take much
to destroy a person.
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