Troubled Waters

The following is a reflection I wrote tonight. I have not, and will not, give much context to it. But I realised that what I went through tonight could be helpful for other people's walks with Jesus. And so I decided to share this rather more intimate side of myself (...despite the inherent risks of sharing such things :P)

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So.

My time with God tonight.

Was troubled. lol.

Well, my heart has been troubled for all of 2 days. Don't know what about exactly.

And tonight's session of prayer didn't help that much haha.

I went back to the beach, I read the Bible and prayed.

I asked God to show what was wrong in my heart. I begged him to reveal to me why He was so very, very far away. If the Spirit is supposed to be in the Child of God, then why can I rarely ever feel Him within me? What's wrong with me?! Have I done something so wrong that He's rejected me? (I know that answer must be no, but I couldn't figure anything else out). Is it because I am so worthless that even He can't be bothered with me, with all His love and compassion?

For an hour I pondered that emptiness, that hopelessness, the loneliness. It is one thing to be abandoned by man; but quite another to be abandoned by God. I called, and called, and called.

And there was no answer.

I gave up, and then went home.

Had a shower.

Then straight after the shower, I heard my phone receive a message.

And then something "clicked".

He's already there.

It's not that He's ever left; He's always been there.

But do I have the faith to believe that He is there?

Do I believe Him when He says "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you?" (Hebrews 13:5)

(And it is quite ironic because I had just read up to Hebrews 9, just before that great exposition on the whole issue of Faith.)

It is a question that I'm not sure how to answer at the moment. Before I was aware of the question, it was definitely no, I didn't have faith that God would stick by me.

But now that I am aware of the question (and quite aware of the "correct" answer), I'm not so sure haha. I can't jump up and say "I believe!" with all my heart; my heart is still so uncertain. But I also cannot refute the sheer logic of it all. Or that quiet, still Voice within.

So what's next?

I don't know ^^"

Just keep praying I suppose :)

Humpty Dumpty

"Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."
- Proverbs 22:6

"Cat 3: Suicidal Ideation - 32yo male patient BIBP (brought in by police) with desire to kill himself, asking police to shoot him."

It is interesting how generally we doctors don't respond to this triage note with "Oh! Let's go and help him!". Often, it's more of a *rolls eyes*, "Not another one? Why can't he just go ahead and do it instead of just 'trying'."

As I went into the room, I saw a man curled up into the foetal position on the bed in a corner of a dark room. Two doors were open into this room, the room where we usually put "Mental Health" patients, because the unpredictability of such patients can sometimes lead to a need for a quick way out. Out one door, you can see the security guard, looking obviously bored, emanating this aura that he felt that he should be somewhere else making better use of his time rather than sitting there babysitting this "annoying patient".

One of the first things that you look at when you meet a new person is their eyes. "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be fully of darkness. So if the light within you is darkness - how deep is that darkness!" (Matthew 6:22-23; Not in context, I know, but so true.) What did I see in his eyes? Weariness; tiredness; despair; fear. And when I looked more closely: the eyes of a child.

We talked. I tried to get down to what happened and why. He didn't actually remember anything about what happened last night, because he had been too drunk. But with just a little prodding, he started talking. Talking about that deep despair about how none of his family members really cared for him any more. That he had no one in the world. That he might as well die. That he lived in fear of who-knows-what and that he's usually holed up in his room. That he still gets flashbacks of how his father belted him constantly and severely and how he is still afraid of his father, long after the actual possibility of a real threat has passed.

Broken. A soul smashed beyond repair. And some 20-odd years later, this man is still trying to pick up the pieces. Except he has no hands with which to pick them up with.

There are some things that no amount of medication, alcohol or drugs can fix.

And it made me pause in… awe(?) Isn't it amazing how incredible an impact your childhood, that small period of your life, can have on your entire life? A good childhood can raise incredible people, but done correctly you can also completely destroy a person by destroying their childhood. And none of the king's horses or the king's men could do anything to fix it.

Michael Jackson (whether you love him or hate him) had an incredibly insightful song into this issue. I've often wondered whether he's written it about himself, really:

Have you seen my Childhood?

I'm searching for the world that I come from

'Cause I've been looking around

In the lost and found of my heart...

No one understands me

They view it as such strange eccentricities...

'Cause I keep kidding around

Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay

'Cause I love such elementary things...

It's been my fate to compensate,

for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?

I'm searching for that wonder in my youth

Like pirates and adventurous dreams,

Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,

Look within your heart then ask,

Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way

'Cause I love such elementary things,

It's been my fate to compensate,

For the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?

I'm searching for that wonder in my youth

Like fantastical stories to share

The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.

The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood?

The wounds sustained in childhood last a lifetime.

It would do well for all of us to ponder that fact.

It doesn't take much to destroy a person.

Jobless XD

"We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ" - 1 Thessalonians 1:3

"We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." - Colossians 1:28-29

For the first time in a very, very long time, I have been able to start "cleaning up" my life organisationally. I have been so busy/tired in the past year and a bit that I have become increasingly disorganised and "messy" in my life; and those who know me know that I do NOT like mess.

In this clean up, I stumbled upon my "BCAC Job List". And for the first time in many, many years, I have absolutely nothing on it.

It feels very, very strange to stare at that blank page. Bittersweet. Most of the items that were there most recently were deleted off the list mostly because I couldn't do them, not because I had actually completed much in recent times. The events of earlier this year had shot me down and I had come crashing down in spectacularly flaming fashion. But despite the pain of those memories, I cannot deny how sweet it is to have this period of rest to restore my soul. I finally have time to breathe.

But still, the question remains:  Now that I'm "jobless" at BCAC ... XD … what do I DO with my life now? What does my Father want me to do with my time?

I've known many fellow Servants who, once they step down out of formal ministry, simply "disappear" from the scene, thinking that their time of Service is well and truly "over". They think that now that they're not serving in a formal post, they don't need to serve at all. And soon enough, they fade out of the Church scene altogether. I am wary against following that trend. I don't want my "rest" to become "retirement". I want to be able to return to the Race, and not just become a spiritual cripple.

An old pastor friend once told me, "Once a Servant of God, always a Servant of God". He said it with respect to formal pastoring. But to be honest, this is true even outside of formal ministry. Christians are always Servants of God; it's simply a matter of whether you are a faithful servant or an unfaithful servant. (Luke 12:42-48)

So, what am I to do?

As I pondered on that, I began to find the bits and pieces of my life in which I am serving God in.

The first thing is: I am serving Jesus in my Rest. It is a Sabbath rest, not a "holiday" in Worldly terms. It is a proactive rest that awaits in prayerful anticipation of the time when I will one day spring forth once more back into the fray. I am Resting so that I can serve better; I am spending more time with Jesus so that He can build me up to allow me to serve Him in more wondrous ways than I have ever known before. I am not just plopping down like a couch potato and watching the world pass me by. I am sitting, restful but watchful, trusting in God and trusting in my brothers and sisters in Christ to continue the Battle while I prepare myself to join in once more when I am well.

While I'm not serving God in Formal Ministry, I am still always serving God in my Relationships. As a human being, you never truly break away from relationships with other humans, and so that is always a ministry area that you cannot possibly run away from. People are always going to be affected by the way you treat them, whether in Godliness or ungodliness. There are still people to encourage and teach, people who need to be warned against straying from the Way, people who need support to be able to keep running. God has blessed me with amazing friendships in which I can serve Him well, and I cannot just run away from them. And of course, there is this whole entirely new "girlfriend" thing which is a whole different ballgame in the Relationship sphere in which I have to learn a completely new way of serving another sister in Christ XD ^^"

I am serving God in my Prayer. I have always thought that, if one day I become completely paralysed from head to toe, and I can't utter a single word or sound, I would still have an actively useful role in the Body of Christ: I can still pray. And that can be such an overlooked role in the Church. (So if I ever become a zombie, please remember to come to me with your prayer points!!! If I can hear you, I will be praying for you! XD It's not like I'd have anything else to do :P XD)

I am serving God in my Participation. Do you know what the most frustrating thing about being a leader in the Church is? When you try to rally people to do something, no one responds!!!!! You work your arse off and people just treat it so nonchalantly that you feel that you've wasted your time. Well, now it's time for me to return the favour in full, and respond by responding when my leaders speak up. As new leaders step in to fill the gaps, it is my turn to encourage them by participating in the things they organise, to help where I can, to give them feedback, to simply tell them that I appreciate what they're doing for Jesus.

I am serving my Father in my Submission. This will be the first time in a very long time in which I am no longer in a position of authority in the Church at BCAC. In the past, if I wanted something to be done I could just step in and get things started. But now that I am no longer in authority, I need to get used to being under authority, to be submissive to my leaders and not be a frustration to them by pretending that I still have authority. This is actually, surprisingly for me, one of the hardest lessons for me to learn as yet. It is hard for me to learn to keep my mouth shut XD But it is a great lesson to learn in humility :)

There are many other ways in which I will continue to serve Him even within this time of Rest :) But I will just leave it at that for now :) I suppose you get the point: Even in our "rest", all Christians continue to Serve, and they Serve in very important ways too! The Body of Christ needs every part of its Being to be functional parts, even in Rest. (Eg. Even in your sleep, your body does not lose its function. Your body rests; it is not dead :P). The Christian is never truly "out of a job" :)

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Phil 1:21) This summarises my attitude to life, and I hope that you can truly say that from the depths of your heart as well :)

[Oops… a "short post" became so long XD haha.]

What Makes You Weep?

I had a very interesting discussion tonight that made me think of something that I really wanted to share, something that I may have shared about years ago in other circles, but needs to be shared to this newer generation as well :)

Merry invited me to an event coming up with her old church in December. And I found it very hard to accept, because it raised the possibility of missing a Sunday at my beloved church BCAC. (Which is rather curious, really - after all, can't I just miss one week at BCAC? It's just ONE week after all. Not even for your girlfriend?!)

And it got me reflecting on the reason why I feel so much attachment (even over-attachment) to my church.

See, I wasn't always at BCAC. I actually was "born" into another church; in fact, that church was "born" in the same year as I was born, and I pretty much viewed her as my "sister". I was raised in that church, was loved by that extended church family, and loved the place dearly.

But one day (when I was about 12), we simply… left. I didn't really understand the reasons at first. I thought my parents just had some new calling from God or something. (Which is true in a way, I suppose). But not long after, it came to my attention (through my very advanced eaves-dropping skills XD) that we had actually left after a very ugly church split in which some ungodly decisions were made, and that there were people at my old church that were bad-mouthing my dad. We had virtually (though not explicitly) been "kicked out" of my  old church.

I don't know whether you who are reading this can understand the depth of pain, grief and anguish that I felt over that as a 12-year-old-ish boy. This dear family of mine that I had loved and cherished no longer wanted me there any more. Suddenly, I lost all of my closest and dearest friends that I had grown up with in one fell swoop. I could no longer visit this dear Sister of mine. The very foundation of my life had been ripped away from me violently by angry people, who were laying false accusations on my beloved father.

Needless to say, I was very, very angry. I was furious. But I did not know how to process it, how to deal with it. How does a 12-year-old express the exquisite grief felt by being abandoned, thrown out, by his beloved church? Haha, I don't believe that it would even register in the minds of most parents that a child might think in such a way.

For the next few years, my family drifted, lost. My parents tried going to and helping out other churches; they even started their own evangelistic organisation. But we were always moving. My parents couldn't go to another Cantonese church any time soon; the Brisbane circle was just too small, and it was not easy to find a Cantonese church that would welcome us with open arms. But we just never felt at home in Western churches, no matter how "multicultural" anyone may proclaim themselves to be. To be honest, I felt that my parents became disillusioned about the whole idea of a "church home", and had become content with simply drifting around and serving wherever they can, rather than finding a place to take root and call home, simply because they had been hurt too much by close friends in our old church.

And so I grew up during my teen years without a church home, at a time when I was going through the most tumultuous change and difficult decisions of my life. I was  lost, deeply, deeply lost.

And secretly, I was always grieving the loss of my Home.

Eventually, though, God provided. (In fact, He gave me this experience to help me grow too, as I will explain later).

The time came when I finally got my driver's license (yay! ^^"), and could finally drive myself to places. Around that time, close family friends of ours had recently just happened to find a "really good church" called Antioch International Church (what eventually became BCAC). We visited a few times, and even went to their Youth Camp (ahhhhh Minden 2003, how precious were those times! XD).

Then my parents told me that, since I could drive, I should settle down into this new church that had a good youth ministry. I suppose they knew that moving around without a church home was not a good thing for me. And so I started to drive my brother and myself to Antioch.

And soon enough, I had found a new Home :)

As I recounted this story to Merry, I found tears starting to well up in my eyes. (I did the very manly (and stupid) thing and just forced myself to not start crying in the open XD). I never saw myself as a particularly passionate person, and so I was somewhat surprised anew at how much passion I felt about the topic of "the Church".

My heart burned for the Church so much that I could not bear to see it harmed, polluted, or threatened. I love the Church dearly, not nearly as much as Jesus loves her, but greatly nonetheless. It is the Body of Christ; it is the place where His children come together and give Him glory; and it should never be subjected to disgrace and shame. The passion was so great that I had vowed (in my heart) that as long as I lived I would never allow anything to harm my Church Home; that I would never sit idly by to watch it burn to the ground; that I would never let the wolves attack my church without a bloody good fight; that I would never sit in the sidelines and watch my church Home break up and burn, so that more children will be burnt by the disgusting sinfulness of humankind.

THIS is why I work so hard for BCAC. THIS is why I don't care how much I give, or how much I lose, for the sake of the forward progress of the Gospel through BCAC. THIS is why I spend sleepless nights thinking up strategies and ideas to defeat the latest threat. THIS is why I write so many emails to the BCACers. THIS is why I can happily sacrifice money-earning potential during my entire uni life. THIS is why I am willing to sacrifice the ability to get better marks through more study in order to have more time to serve at BCAC. THIS is why I could give my social life over to my Lord. It is because the Body of Christ in BCAC, my beloved Home, is just so precious to me.

Fury, passion, grit and tears. There is nothing that makes my heart burn more than my passion for Christ's Church.

But as I watch "the kids" of BCAC, I can't help but laugh in despair. What are these kids DOING? Lounging about as if they have all the time in the world, thinking that what was given to them has always been and always will be? They are TAKING FOR GRANTED something that is so precious, so fragile, so easily destroyed. They care not for their Church Home because they think that this is not such a precious thing, and that even if they lose it it wouldn't really matter.

But it isn't! It is such a precious thing, especially to those that do not have the privilege of having it. This is such a treasure in such a fallen, nasty world, to have a place of worship, of fellowship, of true Christian brotherhood, a place where people can come to meet Christ, to grow in Him and to call HOME.

Children of God, and especially the newest generations of the Children, please, please, please do not take for granted the beautiful gift of your Church Home. It is too precious to be lost, too valuable to be thrown into the bin, too special to simply say "it's too much effort" to care for it.

Please, look after your Home. Love the Church as Christ loved and died for His Bride, the Church. Care for her tenderly; defend her viciously; treasure her passionately.

And long for the day when the Bride is revealed in the light of God's Glory, at the great Wedding Supper of the Lamb, that glorious day when we can bask Eternally in the presence of our Lord, united with Him, forever and ever.

Amen.