An Easy Burden

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

"There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven" - Ecclesiastes 3:1

"While they were traveling, [Jesus] entered a village, and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who also sat at the Lord’s feet and was listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks, and she came up and asked, “Lord, don’t You care that my sister has left me to serve alone? So tell her to give me a hand.”
"The Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has made the right choice, and it will not be taken away from her.”" - Luke 10:38-42

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I never believed that I was that driven a person. Sure, I'm full of ideas and always keen to do something, but shouldn't that normal? There's so little time, and so much to do! There's a world to be saved; how can one stand to just let everything fall to pieces? To be honest, I felt I was too laid back given the circumstances. Thinking a million miles an hour was not fast enough for me.

And then my Depression hit me in the guts, and suddenly even just standing up was hard. It was difficult just to get out of bed; breathing was a chore. Suddenly, I had no power in myself to do anything. And I railed against the injustice of it all.

Why, Lord?! Why can't I do all the good things I want to do for You any more? Why have You stopped me dead in the prime of my life? You know my heart, and You know how I desire to give everything I've got for the Kingdom. Aren't these good and fruitful desires?

Now "everything I've got" means simply staying alive. It takes all I have to do the simplest things, and I can't do all the many things I want to do for the Kingdom.

Why?

"My yoke is easy and my burden is light"

...Wut???

An image then came to mind of the yoke. For those who aren't familiar with the term, a yoke is a device that allows two cows to be hooked up together so that they can pull together. It can also be used to get a more experienced cow to guide a less experienced cow; or for a stronger cow to help a weaker cow. 

In this image, I'm yoked with Jesus. He's doing the heavy lifting. I'm just a weak young calf, but I strain as hard as I can... but in an uncoordinated way that probably is terribly counterproductive! But Jesus bears it with good grace and just finds it a bit funny.

I came to realise that the Depression is His yoke for me. It is true that it holds me back; but it holds me back so that I can depend on Him more, learn to listen to Him more, learn to work in His way more. I may feel frustrated by the limitations it places on me, but He has good reasons to put it there. 

And His yoke is easy! Too easy, in fact. I struggle with the fact that He doesn't let me do more. I would much rather be used up fully by Him for great and grand designs; but He holds me back and humbles me with the simple task of getting up and staying alive.

But then I realise: what if I didn't struggle against the yoke? What if I simply rested in the limitations that God has placed in me? What if I realise that all He wants for me to do now is to be able to get up out of bed? What if He doesn't want me to do all the great and wonderful things I think I should be doing?

I realised that the cow that simply follows the direction of the yoke has a much easier time of it!

Lord, give me the grace to be humble and accept that I can only do small things at the moment. Help me to treasure this time of rest You have placed upon me, for my own good. There is a time for everything under the sun; and You know better than anyone else when the best time for anything is. Help me to rest easy and simply enjoy the days walking easy with you day-by-day, side-by-side. Even if I do nothing more significant for the rest of my life than walk with You, let it be enough. Let my heart be satisfied with Your company.

Praying against Mountains

"I assure you: If you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you tell this mountain, 'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' it will be done. And if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.' - Matt 21:21-22

I woke up with some melancholic thoughts about the difficult situations that people I loved were in. I felt the weight of my 'unanswered' prayers, hopes and aspirations for them. I wanted God's best for them, and prayed for that fervently, but those prayers seemed very, very far from fulfilment at this point in time. The World looked like a very bleak place where we were fighting a losing battle.

But then God used this passage to open my eyes to the faithlessness of my prayers.

There is a lot in the story surrounding this passage that I don't understand (eg. why blast a fig tree, Jesus?! lol), and I suppose I've used my lack of understanding to skip over the bits where Jesus is quite explicit but I find hard to believe. Whatever I ask? Will receive? Isn't that a bit too strong? Surely there are exceptions, such as needing to pray according to God's Will, etc.

And maybe there are; but I realised this morning that I had gone too far the other way.

I pray without faith, without certainty, without trust, without reliance. When I pray, I pray with a heart that expects that I don't really know God that well; and so I don't really know what He wants; and so whatever I pray for may or may not happen, no matter how 'right' it seems. And so I prepare contingency plans in my own strength, knowing that if God doesn't pull through, at least I have a plan.

But this isn't praying with faith - there isn't a mustard seed's worth. It isn't letting go of my will, dreams, hopes and aspirations and trusting that God's Will is better than whatever I can come up with. It isn't letting myself be vulnerable; I'm not putting myself in a position where if God doesn't pull through I'm royally screwed.

It isn't praying in accordance with what I already know about His good, loving, righteous character that overflows with compassion and concern for us.

Holy Spirit, give me the seed of faith I need to pray well. Open my ears to hear Your voice, so I know what You want me to pray for, so I know in faith it is given even before I have finished praying. Fill me with the assurance that comes with the certain understanding of Your character that is full to overflowing with love, so that I can pray with power. Help me let go of my fear of failure, so that I can rest in the assurance that comes with Your provision. The mountains may move, and they may not, but let me throw my lot in with You and trust You in prayer rather than in my own plans.

My Calling :)

So I recently made a big decision to commit to pursuing full-time Ministry :)

I can't say there was a single event that changed my life - there was no booming voice from Heaven lol - but a series of revelations happening in quick succession between Thursday (14th) and Friday (15th) of last week led me to this decision. It's the culmination of all the thinking and praying I've been doing in the last half a year, and everything just suddenly "clicked" into place.

One of the big issues that has come up in recent months in my discussions with my psychologist is this: What does Vincent want? I would never be able to answer, because I didn't know what I really wanted; I felt like I didn't really particularly want anything. But after some self-reflection, I came to realise that I have been so practised at suppressing what I did want that I no longer knew what I wanted.

Why did I suppress what I wanted? Well a dozen reasons and factors from my upbringing come to mind, but essentially I came to think that what I wanted was either:

a.       Bad; or

b.       Dispensible for the greater good (ie it is better for everyone if I kept quiet about what I wanted rather than rock the boat with yet another opinion); or

c.       Not as important as what other people (particularly my parents) wanted for me.

Another reason is that my insecurity and uncertainty of identity (not my love for people!) drives me to pursue what other people want so they would accept me, and so I suppress my own desires to the extent that I do not even know what I want for myself.

So how is all that related to my calling for Ministry?

Well, for many, many years I have known that I love serving God, His church and His people. I keep wishing I had more time and energy to devote to it. Yet, I had several reservations about it:

a.       Was this really what God has "called" me to do, or is this just what I want selfishly for myself? *insert self-accusatory tone*

b.       I've spent so much time, money and effort training as a doctor; isn't that just as beneficial for society? How do I know that God doesn't want me to serve through medicine?

c.       How do I deal with other people's expectations of me? I may not articulate outwardly, but I have always been afraid to disappoint. I am talented, gifted and passionate, and I was afraid how other people would think of me "throwing away" Medicine as such a waste of personal (in terms of finances and lifestyle) and societal gain.
And how about my parents?! How could I dishonour them? They have spent so much on my education, been through so much financial hardship, how could I dare to throw it all away before I have even paid a fraction back?! (In fact, I currently owe them even more than since I graduated from Uni!)

d.       Would I be capable of doing this? Ministry is not an easy life; I have so many problems and failings. If I can't stand on my own two feet now, how could I dare to step forward in service? And what about all my personal foibles and failings?

For these reasons (and maybe more), I had developed this subtle, indefinable feeling that Ministry was a "bad choice"; maybe it was good for other people, but for some reason it was bad for me. Of course, it didn't stand to reason and the logic is faulty (as I will go on to explain), but I was too afraid to stare it in the eye and challenge it.

There is no doubt in my mind that this contributed to my mental illness. There was a constant struggle to supress the deep-seated and intractable desire in my heart and mind to give more and more of my life to God's work. This war between the call of the "reasonable life" and the life given over to God tore at my soul, drained my emotional resources and left me vulnerable. It may not be the sole or core cause, but it's an important factor.

So what happened to change all that? (and so quickly too!)

Well, I finally recognised that Ministry really was my deepest desire, and that it wasn't really that bad a choice :)

I don't remember how exactly, but my eyes were somehow opened to the fact that my deepest desire is to devote my life to God in Ministry to His people. Exactly how I may not be certain (though I have some ideas), but I wanted to give my life over to Him. And Medicine was getting in the way.

Further, I recognised that God's calling on my life and the desires of my own (transformed and redeemed) heart were one and the same thing! Who planted this desire in my heart but God Himself?! Surely it was not a thing of my own effort. Back when I barely knew God I could care less about serving Him in Ministry (apart from doing the bare minimum to "tick the boxes"). But as I grow to know Him more, the more this desire grows and wants to take over my life. When I am close to Him, the desire is overwhelming; when I am far from Him, it is not.

It was so amazing to realise that God wanted me to pursue the desires of my heart, which He planted within me in the first place when I gave my life to Him!

After that happened, it became apparent to me that the reason why this desire did not play a bigger part in my life was because I had developed an unhealthy suppression of that desire. Recognising that calling tore away the excuses I had used - as sunlight tears through fog, or as earthquakes tear down walls - and such LIGHT shone in my heart.

Suddenly I KNEW that my Beloved Father wants me to chase this dream; that He is delighted to lift me up to this adventurous life of relying on Him for everything. He doesn't care how much I have given to other things in life before; He will make so much more out of it that nothing will compare. Other people's expectations didn't matter anymore; in fact it just gives me even more opportunities to share about this Jesus who I love so much that I would be willing to give Him everything, even Medicine. (And I wouldn't just be talking about it; I would be living proof of what I say!)

And my parents? Well, it didn't matter anymore haha. And even if it did, they love Jesus too. And I knew they ultimately wanted me to be happy more than anything in the world; and nothing will make me happier than giving my whole life to Jesus.

The reason why first-world Christians are so miserable and their faith so dead is that they are torn between the Spirit's call to lay down everything for Jesus and the World's lure of a comfortable life. The Seductress saps our will and renders us incompetent and powerless. It is only when we can let go of this World's empty promises that we can find the joy and power of the Spirit. And the more we suppress and frustrate the Spirit, the more we lose our joy in Him.

A friend told me not to let the flame of these revelations die out. Rather, I believe I need to avoid quenching the fire, to avoid suppressing it!!

So what's next? Where to from here?

There are still a lot of things to work out. For one thing, I'm still unwell and need to recover; while these realisations have lifted a great burden off my heart, the day-to-day struggles with illness still continues. Practically, debts still have to be paid and food still needs to be put on the table (for the cat at least!). (And I would like to at least return to pre-uni parental debt levels before I dive into full time ministry lol…)

The practical issues are being addressed extremely quickly. Knowing the fact that I'm aiming to be out of General Practice within 5 years helps me to understand how I should approach work. True general practice requires the doctor to be there for the patient regularly for decades; and if I'm aiming to be leaving "soon" (whether in 1 year or 5), then it's a bit pointless to try and build up that patient base. (In fact, maybe that has been why God has prevented me from accumulating a following however much I tried this year!). So instead I should be focusing on work that does not require long-term follow-up: after-hour clinics; specialised clinics; maybe some ED work; focusing on my Government guidelines work or medical education. For the immediate future, I have already organised to shorten my hours at the clinic and increase my hours with Metro South Health in a few weeks' time.

And with my illness and failings? Well, no one goes into Ministry perfect. And it "just so happened" that recently I have been reflecting on what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9: "So to keep me from becoming conceited [prideful] because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I may feel weak and incapable, but it is in this very weakness that God is most pleased to act, because reveals His glory most gloriously :)

So it's all good :) So very, very good :)

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PS - I do not consider, in any way, that my time spent journeying through Pharmacy and Medicine a "waste of time". It was a necessary journey to bring me to where I am at right now, to the right place at exactly the right time.

Is God my strength?

"Indeed, God is my salvation; I will trust Him and not be afraid, for Yah, the Lord , is my strength and my song. He has become my salvation.” - Isaiah 12:2

What does it mean that God is my strength?
How does my life reflect that belief?
Are my life actions consistent with my claimed beliefs?

Those were the questions running through my head as I pondered on this verse in my Jesus Time this morning.

"Jesus Time". A new term I learnt during my short term mission experience in Thailand in July last year, but also known as "quiet time", "devotions", etc.; basically time spent connecting with God in His Word and in prayer. 

It is amazing how Christians can run around in their busy lives ignoring God. We claim that we need Jesus, that He is essential in everything we do... yet in actual fact we do everything we can to push him out of the way, or at least to box him into one little corner of our lives.

For most of my Christian life, I have neglected the spiritual discipline of spending time in intimate connection with God regularly. Yes, I may have read my Bible and said my prayers, but if I was honest with myself I would realise that I did not seek that deep a level of connection; and that I did not see that connecting with God was an essential part of my life routine. This is even more amazing considering how much Ministry work I pack into my life; it was like I was trying to do God's work for Him instead of with Him, not wanting to bother Him too much. 

A vine cannot bear much fruit without a healthy connection to the Branch, however, and eventually I paid the price of trying to serve God without connecting with Him enough. I've had many periods of burnout, but this one has been the deepest, longest and most troubling by far.

But "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and rich in faithful love." Through the trials of the last year, He has forced me into a situation where I'm only working part-time. Through a series of events, God convinced me to "quarantine" at least two mornings a week to spend quality time with Him over coffee, reading His Word then praying with Him. The difference here from previous efforts was that this involved larger chunks of time; a deeper level of intimacy; and a greater level of commitment and regularity.

I won't say that this practice has produced the results that I wanted; it has not "cured" me, and it has not meant I could suddenly zip around doing everything I want to. However, through the months, I have grown to appreciate how essential this practice has become in my life. In a gentle, difficult-to-quantify, way, I have come to see God in action in my life. It is similar to how water dripping on a rock softly but persistently can eventually crack it open; you wouldn't expect that to be possible, but it produces such powerful results! Inspiration comes unexpectedly; things just happen with prayer. You come to understand God better; you know when He is at work, and when He wants you to just sit back and enjoy the show He is putting up.

Christian, you need Jesus in your life. And when I say you need Jesus, I don't just mean you need Him as your "ticket to Heaven"; or just some superficial connection to the church community; or some mental acquiescence to His principles and teachings. You need Him IN your life; living, vibrant and active; permeated through every aspect and every moment of your life. Life disconnected from Him is no life at all; and you cannot have that connection with Him without spending precious time with Him in His Word and in prayer. It is more vital than food, water, money or shelter, even if your bodies and the World would tell you otherwise.

So how will you do this? How will you make sure that you stay connected to the Source of Living Water? What sacrifices do you need to make to make sure you do this?

Full-time workers and Parents (especially of young children), I do not have any good answers for you and I do not envy your lack of the precious commodity of time. I am grateful that I work in a job that allows me to work part-time; I do not know if I could ever work full-time again, as I do not know if I would be able to keep up this practice of meeting with God regularly if I worked full-time. But all I know is: it is essential.

Students and children: make the most of your time! You have such a precious gift in the amount of time you have. Develop good habits now, while you still can. Put the effort in to spending time with God regularly; taste and see that the Lord is good, so that your soul will understand how vital the Living Spirit is for life, and so your thirst for Him will force you to run to Him all the time for your daily Bread.

And for those who want to serve God, remember: you cannot serve Him well without being steeped in His Presence.

You will never come to the end of your life, look back and say, "I spent too much time with Jesus".