My Calling :)

So I recently made a big decision to commit to pursuing full-time Ministry :)

I can't say there was a single event that changed my life - there was no booming voice from Heaven lol - but a series of revelations happening in quick succession between Thursday (14th) and Friday (15th) of last week led me to this decision. It's the culmination of all the thinking and praying I've been doing in the last half a year, and everything just suddenly "clicked" into place.

One of the big issues that has come up in recent months in my discussions with my psychologist is this: What does Vincent want? I would never be able to answer, because I didn't know what I really wanted; I felt like I didn't really particularly want anything. But after some self-reflection, I came to realise that I have been so practised at suppressing what I did want that I no longer knew what I wanted.

Why did I suppress what I wanted? Well a dozen reasons and factors from my upbringing come to mind, but essentially I came to think that what I wanted was either:

a.       Bad; or

b.       Dispensible for the greater good (ie it is better for everyone if I kept quiet about what I wanted rather than rock the boat with yet another opinion); or

c.       Not as important as what other people (particularly my parents) wanted for me.

Another reason is that my insecurity and uncertainty of identity (not my love for people!) drives me to pursue what other people want so they would accept me, and so I suppress my own desires to the extent that I do not even know what I want for myself.

So how is all that related to my calling for Ministry?

Well, for many, many years I have known that I love serving God, His church and His people. I keep wishing I had more time and energy to devote to it. Yet, I had several reservations about it:

a.       Was this really what God has "called" me to do, or is this just what I want selfishly for myself? *insert self-accusatory tone*

b.       I've spent so much time, money and effort training as a doctor; isn't that just as beneficial for society? How do I know that God doesn't want me to serve through medicine?

c.       How do I deal with other people's expectations of me? I may not articulate outwardly, but I have always been afraid to disappoint. I am talented, gifted and passionate, and I was afraid how other people would think of me "throwing away" Medicine as such a waste of personal (in terms of finances and lifestyle) and societal gain.
And how about my parents?! How could I dishonour them? They have spent so much on my education, been through so much financial hardship, how could I dare to throw it all away before I have even paid a fraction back?! (In fact, I currently owe them even more than since I graduated from Uni!)

d.       Would I be capable of doing this? Ministry is not an easy life; I have so many problems and failings. If I can't stand on my own two feet now, how could I dare to step forward in service? And what about all my personal foibles and failings?

For these reasons (and maybe more), I had developed this subtle, indefinable feeling that Ministry was a "bad choice"; maybe it was good for other people, but for some reason it was bad for me. Of course, it didn't stand to reason and the logic is faulty (as I will go on to explain), but I was too afraid to stare it in the eye and challenge it.

There is no doubt in my mind that this contributed to my mental illness. There was a constant struggle to supress the deep-seated and intractable desire in my heart and mind to give more and more of my life to God's work. This war between the call of the "reasonable life" and the life given over to God tore at my soul, drained my emotional resources and left me vulnerable. It may not be the sole or core cause, but it's an important factor.

So what happened to change all that? (and so quickly too!)

Well, I finally recognised that Ministry really was my deepest desire, and that it wasn't really that bad a choice :)

I don't remember how exactly, but my eyes were somehow opened to the fact that my deepest desire is to devote my life to God in Ministry to His people. Exactly how I may not be certain (though I have some ideas), but I wanted to give my life over to Him. And Medicine was getting in the way.

Further, I recognised that God's calling on my life and the desires of my own (transformed and redeemed) heart were one and the same thing! Who planted this desire in my heart but God Himself?! Surely it was not a thing of my own effort. Back when I barely knew God I could care less about serving Him in Ministry (apart from doing the bare minimum to "tick the boxes"). But as I grow to know Him more, the more this desire grows and wants to take over my life. When I am close to Him, the desire is overwhelming; when I am far from Him, it is not.

It was so amazing to realise that God wanted me to pursue the desires of my heart, which He planted within me in the first place when I gave my life to Him!

After that happened, it became apparent to me that the reason why this desire did not play a bigger part in my life was because I had developed an unhealthy suppression of that desire. Recognising that calling tore away the excuses I had used - as sunlight tears through fog, or as earthquakes tear down walls - and such LIGHT shone in my heart.

Suddenly I KNEW that my Beloved Father wants me to chase this dream; that He is delighted to lift me up to this adventurous life of relying on Him for everything. He doesn't care how much I have given to other things in life before; He will make so much more out of it that nothing will compare. Other people's expectations didn't matter anymore; in fact it just gives me even more opportunities to share about this Jesus who I love so much that I would be willing to give Him everything, even Medicine. (And I wouldn't just be talking about it; I would be living proof of what I say!)

And my parents? Well, it didn't matter anymore haha. And even if it did, they love Jesus too. And I knew they ultimately wanted me to be happy more than anything in the world; and nothing will make me happier than giving my whole life to Jesus.

The reason why first-world Christians are so miserable and their faith so dead is that they are torn between the Spirit's call to lay down everything for Jesus and the World's lure of a comfortable life. The Seductress saps our will and renders us incompetent and powerless. It is only when we can let go of this World's empty promises that we can find the joy and power of the Spirit. And the more we suppress and frustrate the Spirit, the more we lose our joy in Him.

A friend told me not to let the flame of these revelations die out. Rather, I believe I need to avoid quenching the fire, to avoid suppressing it!!

So what's next? Where to from here?

There are still a lot of things to work out. For one thing, I'm still unwell and need to recover; while these realisations have lifted a great burden off my heart, the day-to-day struggles with illness still continues. Practically, debts still have to be paid and food still needs to be put on the table (for the cat at least!). (And I would like to at least return to pre-uni parental debt levels before I dive into full time ministry lol…)

The practical issues are being addressed extremely quickly. Knowing the fact that I'm aiming to be out of General Practice within 5 years helps me to understand how I should approach work. True general practice requires the doctor to be there for the patient regularly for decades; and if I'm aiming to be leaving "soon" (whether in 1 year or 5), then it's a bit pointless to try and build up that patient base. (In fact, maybe that has been why God has prevented me from accumulating a following however much I tried this year!). So instead I should be focusing on work that does not require long-term follow-up: after-hour clinics; specialised clinics; maybe some ED work; focusing on my Government guidelines work or medical education. For the immediate future, I have already organised to shorten my hours at the clinic and increase my hours with Metro South Health in a few weeks' time.

And with my illness and failings? Well, no one goes into Ministry perfect. And it "just so happened" that recently I have been reflecting on what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9: "So to keep me from becoming conceited [prideful] because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I may feel weak and incapable, but it is in this very weakness that God is most pleased to act, because reveals His glory most gloriously :)

So it's all good :) So very, very good :)

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PS - I do not consider, in any way, that my time spent journeying through Pharmacy and Medicine a "waste of time". It was a necessary journey to bring me to where I am at right now, to the right place at exactly the right time.