Of beginnings and endings

Freedom.

Today was a special day: my first day in the GP Training program.

In typical "airy-fairy GP" fashion, we were asked how we felt about commencing the GP Training Program. I didn't feel excited (except occasionally); I didn't feel scared; I was neither elated or depressed. I simply felt numb; it was as if I am living a dream, and at any moment I will be thrust back into the nightmare of hospital life once more.

Not that hospital life is always that bad. My Palliative Care rotation just past has been quite refreshing, and I still remember with great fondness my first rotation in the Royal Children's Paediatric Department of Emergency.

But if you asked me to summarise my experience working as a hospital resident, the only thought that comes to mind is: Survival. True, residency is nowhere near as bad as it used to be, and nowhere near as bad as it is in other places around the world. It probably is still much better than the life of a Hospital Registrar. Nevertheless, I still remember the hospital as a barren relational desert, where the constant migration of individuals in the workforce works to encourage relational shallowness, and where this lack of depth of relationship, together with the high-stress environment, allow some people to feel that they could get away with whatever emotional or verbal abuse they feel like throwing out.

I am relieved to be moving on to the next stage of my life. Maybe I can finally have time to remember once more why I decided to do Medicine, the reasons for my convictions, instead of constantly trying to heal new wounds that keep on mounting. But the realisation that I am moving on hasn't quite hit yet. I don't know if it will hit until I arrive at Goondiwindi tomorrow. Maybe not even then.

If you're looking for a point to learn from this post, some profound philosophical insight or some gem of wisdom… there is none. This is simply my way of pausing, of remembering, of mourning, of celebrating, of moving on.

Now that I have reached the light at the end of the tunnel (Have I really?) the light seems so bright that it's taking time to re-orient myself to this world of light.

But at least there is some light now :)

It will be interesting where this path will take me.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised! (Job 1:20 - note the context)

Thankyou Father for Your faithful love. Thankyou for Your loving hands of comfort even in the darkest valley and coldest nights. Thankyou that You have brought me to green pastures and by streams of living water. Thankyou for Your Peace, for the moments in the eye of the storm. Thankyou for the storms of life that weather and shape me into the wonderful creation that you have created within me. Thankyou that You have never left me, even in the moments when I felt most lonely.

Thankyou that I can fly once more, and sing.