Faith and Fear

There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us. - 1 John 4:18-19

Money is tight.

Ok, I know most of you wouldn't believe me - "You're a doctor, how can you be struggling financially?!" - but those of you who are closer to me would understand what I'm talking about. Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, which I will not go into, my financial circumstance has become quite tight. I'm pretty much spending 85% of my income just on paying for a mortgage as well as renting out here in Gundy alone. And I have to fit everything else into the 15% left.

I used to be pretty strict in my tithing. I was very keen on "doing things right", and so I tithed regularly. Internet banking makes it so easy! And so after every payslip that comes in, I would tithe  a percentage of my gross income.

But the hard times set in. Bit by bit, I found it more and more difficult to stay consistent with my previous tithing pattern. As the pressure mounted, I realised I couldn't tithe as much as I could in the past. So the amount got smaller and smaller, until sometime last year when I had to cut it out altogether because I was in such deep financial straits. I was quite frustrated about this; I felt that I wasn't doing "what I was supposed to".

Eventually though, things eased up. Finally, a few weeks ago, I decided I would try tithing again. I'd try giving 10% of my net, and see how it goes. Now, remember that I was already spending 85% of my money on keeping a roof over my head! So technically it left me with only 5% to live on. Which was probably a bit idealistic and naïve of me. But I had thought I should "step out in faith" and see how it goes. Surely God would look after me, and help me to stay faithful to Him. Surely it wouldn't take so long for me to start seeing more patients and earn more money and finally break the accursed baseline!

And so I did it. For a few weeks.

Of course, it didn't go at all to plan :)

The weeks passed, I still couldn't break the baseline wage barrier. Week by week I was juggling the cash in my bank account so that I could pay the bills. Whatever could be put on credit I put on credit, in the hope that somehow, someday, I would be able to earn enough to pay off that debt...later. But it was like being in a leaking boat: However much I tried bailing the water out, it just keeps sinking and sinking, ever so painfully slowly.

And today, I finally did it: For the first time in my life, my bank account was overdrawn and I was in the negative.

It was a rather profound and distressing moment for me, to get that sort of wakeup call. I hadn't expected it, because I thought I had calculated everything perfectly. (Apparently not!) It was sobering, and made me face up to the difficult decisions I had to make next.

Well, I couldn't drop the mortgage, and I'm bound to this rental place for another 3 months. So the next biggest thing that I could drop that would make a significant difference was… my tithe.

It was a huge struggle for me to decide to drop my tithe. I really did not want to. Isn't it being unfaithful, not trusting that God would provide? Am I just taking things into my own hand, and not trusting in God? (Just so happened I was reading Genesis 12 this morning!) Am I doing the right thing to put a hold on the tithing? How can I be a faithful Christian and still be financially sound?

But what does it mean to be faithful?

I pondered that last question for a long time, and had to have a good look at the motives of my heart. As I reflected, I realised that deep inside, I was scared that I wasn't doing "the right thing". I was afraid that if I didn't "trust" in my God in the "appropriate" way, then that would upset "someone" (I didn't really know who).  And if I plunged even deeper into my heart, I would find that the root of the whole issue was Pride: I didn't want to be that bad; I wanted to be able to "do my part" to be "good and worthy"; I wanted to be able to look after my own end of things.

And I came to a realisation: Being faithful isn't just about trusting in the "right way" and doing the "right thing". It's about trusting in the fact that our God is a loving Heavenly Father that eagerly wants the best for us. It's about having a heart that is so assured of God's love for us that what you end up doing for God doesn't really matter because you know that nothing you can do can make Him love you any more or any less; His love for us is already over-full and brimming over. It's about knowing that nothing was yours in the first place - it all belongs to God - and so it doesn't really matter the objective amount that you're "giving back" to God.

A faithful Christian does good works out of a grateful heart that knows how much God has already done for us, and how much He is willing to do for us, no matter what we do. The faithful Christian is not concerned about whether he/she is tithing enough or not; he/she just acts on the basis of the love that he/she has already been given. A Christian filled with saving faith does not concern himself with the question of "Am I doing enough for Christ?"; he is more concerned with "What does Christ want me to do next?" - The train of questioning and thought is on an entirely different set of tracks!

Rather than making a guilt-driven, pride-based, self-centred decision on "what I should tithe", I should be turning the tables around and saying, "Ok, God has given me this situation. I know He loves me. What does He want me to do with it? What can I do with the situation I've been given so that I can give Him more glory?"

The differences are extremely subtle (I'm still trying to wrap my head around it ><); but also extremely profound.

I thank God that He would give me this situation, so I can face up to and deal with my heart of fear. My relationship with Him has always been too fear-driven and legalistic, rather than filled with the assurance of Covenantal, unbreakable, love. And this has helped hammer this realisation home just that little bit more.

I suppose I just have to learn to sit back and enjoy the ride more ;)

It will be fine. Because my God is oh so fine :)